Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
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Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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