life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
