I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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