You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
