Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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