my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
