She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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