So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
