im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
