Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
