I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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