Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
