I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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