Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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