I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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