she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
