12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
