i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
