Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
