im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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