Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
