Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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