i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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