so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
