Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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