Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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