More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
