he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love you.
Bad choice
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
