At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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