you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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