she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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