So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
