I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
