Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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