dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
my being single is dangerous.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
