Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
