Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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