I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
