remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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