my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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