Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
