It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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