so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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