dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
