probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
