someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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