it hurts more in the daytime
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
