i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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