I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
