Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
