ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
