I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
