Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
