I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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