I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
