your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
