you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well I just put wine in my tea
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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