After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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