I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
