his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
