Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
