FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
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Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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