Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
When did angry sex become our thing?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Randomize
